Every marriage is unique, but most follow a similar path that flows through seven distinct stages. Understanding the work required at each can give you a road map for handling rough times, and help you and your spouse focus on how to be happy, secure and satisfied.

Stage1: Passion. The honeymoon phase, when romance and intense attraction lead to commitment.

Stage2: Realization. Disappointment and conflict mark this unavoidable period. The challenge? Laying the groundwork for a long future together.

Stage3: Rebellion. Self-interest versus shared interests. Knowing the difference between a destructive desire to flee and a healthy need to be your true self is this stage’s key test.

Stage4: Cooperation. In time, marriage means managing money, building careers, raising kids. Going from lover to partner to parent can get rocky.

Stage5: Reunion. Once the kids are grown, then what? For happy couples, it’s time to enjoy each other again. But the ideal can be hard to achieve. Passion’s embers need stoking; expectations need rejiggering.

Stage6: Explosion. Job loss, health woes, illness or death in the family – such events can come in waves. Will your marriage be a source of solace or sorely tired by new roles, limitations and fears?

Stage7: Completion. Marital bliss often soars after decades together because ‘knowing’ each other now has a deeper meaning – and a bigger payoff.

source: Reader’s Digest Feb2008 issue, pg74

see also Seven Secrets to a Sexy Marriage

The Love You Want
by Sari Harrar and Rita Demaria (from The 7 Stages of Marriage)

Every marriage has its bumps, and they can pop up at any time. What’s important is that you learn to navigate them smoothly – before they send your relationship into a ditch.

No matter how far along the marriage highway you’ve gone, there are some simple, fundamental rules of the road. Putting them into practice isn’t always easy, but it’s critical. If you do play by the rules, you’ll make your marriage stronger, and the good stuff – fun, sex, trust, affection – will be better than ever.

1. Build up your love balance. Boredom, frustration and everyday irritations can douse the spark between you and your spouse – and more of the same certainly won’t feed the flame. Making the good stuff your top priority will. Here’s how to do it:

First, consider that it takes up to 20 positive statements top outweigh the harm done by one negative one – or by a steely squint or impatient ‘humph.’ So do more of the former, less of the latter. Compliment your wife on her new shoes, or your husband on his new shirt. Thank him for helping around the house. Dial her office for a quick ‘thinking of you’ check-in (don’t discuss household chores or bad report cards).

Be sure these compliments and thank-yous are heartfelt and specific: ‘I can always count on you to make sure my car is safe and ready to use.’ ‘This new tablecloth is nice – you’re always thinking of ways to make our home pleasant.’ Make eye contact when you smile or deliver a compliment. Try a little joyful noise (a happy sigh, say) when giving a loving touch.

Once you take this approach, you’ll realize that, in addition to knowing how to push Mr. or Mrs. Right’s hot buttons, you know how to push his or her joy buttons too (and we don’t just mean sex). After all, that’s how this whole thing started. It won’t be long before you appreciate that it’s always the right time for small acts of love. Give him a ’glad to see you’ hug and kiss when you get home. Surprise her with coffee in bed on a rainy Sunday (then stay to talk). Revel in the best qualities; let faults slide. Resolve to enjoy a long kiss before you turn in each night. You do little things for your kids. Why not for your spouse?

2. Reach out. Human touch aids the release of feel-good endorphins, for giver and receiver. So link arms as you walk into the grocery store. Brush her cheek with your fingertips when you smooch good morning. Revive the ways you touched in the early days – a kiss on the back of the ear, a hand through her hair. Touch is a complex language. It pays to improve your vocabulary.

Adding more of this kind of touch will help you build a fortress of love. That’s important, because a couple who form a tight unit can weather any storm (and are able to stave off infidelity). How do you build this bond? First, support your soul mate. Take his or her side whenever possible if trouble arises in the ‘outside world.’ Keep your spouse’s secrets to yourself, even when everyone at work spills theirs. Except in a true emergency, don’t let anything interrupt ‘us’ time. That’s why voice mail and bedroom-door locks are for.

Speaking of ‘us’ time: Make a commitment to spend up to 30 minutes a day chatting with each other about everyday plans, goals and, yes, dreams. One rule: no household management or ‘what about our relationship’ talk. This is time to build a friendship. Studies show that being friends pays off over time, ensuring a closer, sexier union. And don’t forget to make time for intimacy, even if you must log it in your day planner. Schedule sex? Absolutely, if necessary. Spontaneity is great, but if either of you hungers for affection or physical love, don’t wait for that special moment.

Another thing you shouldn’t wait for: chances to celebrate success. Grand Slam victors. Gold medal skiers. They all have one thing in common: When they win, they party. And even small victories deserve recognition. If your marriage is humming along, that alone is worth celebrating. Dine out where you proposed. Or book a trip to Australia. You’ve earned it.

3. Remember – nobody’s perfect. It’s tempting to blame your spouse when you feel angry, disappointed, bored, betrayed or stressed out about your marriage. Then it’s a short hop to seeing your mate as the one who must change for the marriage to improve.

That’s a cop out. Trying to improve your spouse puts him or her on the defensive and casts you in a dreary role. The result? Nobody changes. Nobody takes responsibility. Everyone is unhappy. And making your spouse the bad guy means ignoring the 90 per cent of him or her that’s good.

The true fix: Change yourself. When you address your own flaws and seek the best in your spouse, magic happens. Optimism increases. Your spouse feels better because he or she feels appreciated, not chastised. And you both feel motivated to change in ways that lead to even more joy.

One tip to help get you thinking this way: Adopt the Japanese philosophy of imperfection, wabi sabi (‘wah-bee sah-bee’), which applies well to real life love. Next time your partner does something annoying, take a breath, mutter ‘wabi sabi’ and remind yourself that his or her intentions are good, even if the execution isn’t. At the same time, don’t ignore what’s good in your spouse. Each day this month, pick something, big or small, that you like about him or her. Then name it. For example: ‘My wife is thoughtful’ or ‘My husband makes me laugh’. Then think of a specific act that backs it up: ‘She brushed the snow off my windshield last week.’ ‘If I’m feeling blue, he’ll joke me out of it.’

Finally honor your own imperfections. Sometimes we blame ourselves for everything that’s off kilter in our marriage. Too much guilt can paralyze. So, think of qualities you value, tell yourself you have them and think up real-world examples. ‘I am loving and kind – I gave my spouse the last cookie yesterday.’

4. Add some zing. The classic advice experts give to singles seeking a perfect match: Be ‘the one’ to attract ‘the ‘one’. Same goes in marriage. The happier you feel, the happier you marriage will be, and the easier it will be to managed conflicts. If 15 minutes of morning yoga, a switch to decaf, or a new hobby gives you a relaxed zing, the good feelings can’t help but lead to happier, richer moments together.

Meanwhile, admit it: You used to fuss over your hair and obsess over the sexiest item to wear in bed. Now, it’s stained sweats and a ratty Rolling Stones T-shirt. Time to spruce up your look. Comb that mane, brush those teeth and throw on a new robe. Feeling good about the way you look makes your eyes sparkle. You’re more likely to make eye contact. That sends a spark to your spouse.

5. Always fight fair. Conflict is a normal, even healthy, part of any marriage. What’s important is how you handle it. In a Florida study of longtime couples, joint problem solving ability was cited as a key factor for 70 per cent of satisfied pairs; just 33 per cent of unsatisfied couples had mastered this skill. With the right tools and attitude, conflict becomes a gateway to deeper intimacy – the chance to be seen and loved for who you truly are, to accept your mate’s adorable, vulnerable real self, and to build a strong union without caving in or silently seething.

First, steer clear of criticism, confrontation and hostility. They’re like gas on a fire. University of California researches who followed 79 couples for more than a decade found that early divorcers fought long and loud and were always on the attack – or the defensive. Happy couples, on the other hand, avoid verbalizing critical thoughts, keep discussions from escalating, and don’t use absolutes like ‘never’ and ‘always’.

If a fight does start, try to change the subject, inject gentle humor, empathize or show your spouse extra appreciation. Too late? Call a truce, walk away and cool off for a while.

6. Pick the right time and place. Don’t start potentially rough talks if you’re not well rested and well fed. Hunger and fatigue can unleash nasty remarks and dark thoughts. Ban booze for the same reason. Save it for when you’ve achieved détente. That’s worth a toast.

Don’t ever try to deal with serious marital issues if you’ve got one eye on something else. Turn off the TV, the phone, the laptop. Close the newspaper. If you’re distracted or going out the door, pick another time to talk. You can’t resolve conflicts on a fly.

Remember, too, that how you handle these situations does not just affect you. Is the conversation G-rated? Will it end up calmly or happily? If not, stop and reschedule the talk for when the children aren’t around. When they are, keep things respectful and productive. Research shows that children thrive (and absorb good relationships skills) when parents resolve their problems constructively, but they develop insecurities and behavior problems when exposed to hopeless shoutfests.

7. Open your ears. The single most powerful step you can take to keep a marriage solid? Speak less and listen more. Blame, insults, criticism and bullying predict a bad end, or at least a living hell. When talk turns combative, don’t interrupt, offer a solution or defend yourself too soon. When feelings are at issue, they need to be heard. So nod, rephrase or provide a soft ‘um-hum’ to show that you honor the emotions behind the words. Sometimes, all we really need to do to feel closer to someone is pay closer attention to what it is they’re saying.

source: Reader’s Digest Feb2008 issue, pg71-75

see also The 7 Stages of Marriage

At last! I have my own website already. I am very excited about this, yet nervous at the same time. Why nervous? Because I haven’t worked on a ‘control panel’ before. I remember, whenever I go to any forums about web designing or uploading a template and things like that, I can’t understand the words the people there are saying. I always asked myself, ‘What control panel? What php? What /blahblah/blahblah?’ I always felt like my ears and nose are bleeding because of the words I never heard before and don’t understand. But now, I’m starting to learn. Huh! I am trying my very best to make my patience stretch a bit more, because in the long run, I am the one who should help myself first. But there are a few people that I like to thank. Please allow me . . . . .

My husband
Papa, thank you for always supporting me with the things I like to do. You are the one who told me about blogs. With it, I made use of my time here at home and this is very special to me. Then you also told me about the opportunity I can have with my blogs, which at the moment are reaping its fruits. You are always the encouraging one, full of optimistic views, always ready to listen to my stories and always ready to share the happiness and the sorrow I feel. I love you so much, Pa.

Our son
Our ten-year old Jeff is the one who always bring adventure to my life. This 4^th grader has been the topic of most of my posts in my other blog, taking the highlight off me.

The Administrator
I don’t know what his or her name is, but he calls himself The Administrator. With no single clue how a website runs, I found myself always struggling (and out of patience) on how to make my ‘This site is under construction’ website into this humble but a product of my heart blog website. After my click this and click that tries, somehow I managed to make it from my control panel to the Wordpress themed blog. But of course, it wasn’t easy for me and who says I got it all right. After making my first post, I clicked ‘View site’ and tada!- ‘This site is under construction’. So while I imagined myself wearing a hard hat and holding a shovel, I opened a support ticket, told my heartbreaking story, and in a few minutes, The Administrator solved my problem! He said ‘You forgot to delete the default index.html (Under Construction) file from the public_html folder. I went ahead and deleted it for you.’ Awwww. Isn’t that sweet? They are just being true to their slogan: Your satisfaction is our #1 priority. Thank you, Administrator, for your patience. I am very satisfied with your prompt service and polite reply. Oh by the way, I did not forget to delete it; I just didn’t know that those things exist.

Mabuhay Hosting Philippines
This is my web host and where Administrator is contacted. Mabuhay Hosting Philippines offers affordable web hosting services with great features. The website’s pages are full of valuable information and are easy to navigate. If you are considering having your own place in the internet world, or if you are thinking of moving from your host, check out Mabuhay Hosting Philippines.

I have in my hands two boxes
Which God gave me to hold
He said, “Put all your sorrows in the black
And all your joys in the gold.”

I heeded His words, and in the two boxes
Both my joys and sorrows I store
But though the gold became heavier each day
The black was as light as before.

With curiosity I opened the black
I wanted to find out why
And I saw in the base of the box a hole
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused aloud,
“I wonder where my sorrows could be”
He smiled a gentle smile at me,
“My child, they’re all here with me.”

I asked, “God, why give me the boxes,
Why the gold and the black with the hole?”
“My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
The black is for you to let go.”