Each year my husband gets home for his vacation, I look forward to every day our son and I will spend with him. And each year, I also look forward to getting pregnant. That’s why each year, I talk to my OB about this matter. So each year, she hands me a prescription of expensive pills for me to take to help me get pregnant. And each year, I am asked to go through trans-V ultrasound for ‘follicle monitoring’. But each year, I end up still hoping.

It was August of 2006 when my day was greeted with good news. It was weeks after Dario left Manila and went back to Riyadh for work. The home pregnancy test kit said ‘positive’, so I immediately went to my doctor and the ultrasound confirmed it. I was one month pregnant. I went to work, did all the usual things I do in the office and all, but I never mentioned it to my friends and family yet – because I wanted my husband to be the first one to hear of it. So at home, I waited for hours until it’s time for us to chat in YM again that evening. I told him the good news and he was so happy. He already had a name ready for the baby, be it a boy or a girl. The only thing he was sad about is that he won’t be here to personally get me the foods I will crave for. The next day, I shared the good news with our son, Jeff. He, too, was so glad. He wanted so much to be a big brother since he was 4, and Jeff was 8 then. Days and weeks passed and everything went well. I was still working as a Sales Officer doing field works and client calls, and everybody in the office knew about my pregnancy. I went to my regular check ups, did my usual work-home routine, helped Jeff with his assignments, chat every evening with my husband with a minute of a closer view of my growing tummy before saying our goodnights – everything was normal. Until one particular day in October, 2006 . . . . .

I went to my doctor for the scheduled check up of what supposed to be my third month. She asked me to lie down then she put the Doppler on my tummy to check my baby’s heartbeat which, she said, should be heard using it. She can’t hear anything, she said. So I was advised to have it checked via ultrasound for a more accurate result. I got the result, yes. And the result was bad news. The baby was still inside me but it no longer has a heartbeat. It’s dead. The baby we had waited for so long was dead. My heart broke into pieces and I began to cry. It was sad.

I was crying the entire time the doctor was explaining things that may have caused it, but the only thing I remembered was that the baby did not develop well and it should be removed from me as soon as possible because the longer it stayed inside, the more dangerous it is for me. I told my doctor that I have to inform Dario first about it, as well as the office so I can file for a leave.

I turned my mobile phone off that day. Aside from the text messages he sent, Dario also called everyday and I didn’t want to tell it to him that way. I wanted us to be sitting face to face in front of our PCs, seeing each other via webcams, and talk. Night came and it was time for our regular nightly chat. I saw his handsome face and adorable smile again and it broke my heart more. ‘How do I begin?’ I said to myself.

After a long deep breath, I asked ‘Pa, sa tingin mo, gaano na katatag ang relationship natin?’ (‘Pa, how strong do you think is our relationship?’) He answered, ‘Matatag na matatag, Mama. Bakit mo naman naitanong?’ (‘Very strong, Mama. Why do you ask?’). I started telling him everything. I was trying to control and hide my tears, but I saw my husband crying and I felt like I was almost dying. I love my husband so much that I don’t want him to hurt. But things happen for a reason, and some reasons we may not understand, while some we may not know why. But they happen.

The following day I was admitted in the hospital, underwent D&C and all the necessary procedures. It was painful physically, but was more painful emotionally. I spent two days in the hospital, and Dario never failed to call and send text messages to me all the time I was there.

This incident made my husband decide that I should stay home and be a full time mom to Jeff. He asked me to file for a resignation that same year and have a break. So I fulfilled my duties as a Sales Officer until December 2006 and started a less complicated, happier and more content life of a stay-at-home mom on January 2007.

Today, almost two years later, we still pray, hope and wait for a baby. We know that God will give it to us, in His time. I get frustrated sometimes, but the words of my husband always calms me – ‘I will love you still, with or without another baby’.

I am very proud of my husband and I am so lucky I have him in my life. No other man can make me happy and give me so much security but Dario. And he’s right. Our relationship as a family is very strong and it keeps going stronger as time passes by . . . . .

Tags: home, relationship