An engineer is standing outside the Pearly Gates.  ‘Sorry,’ St. Peter says, ‘but you’re in the wrong place.’  He snaps his fingers and the engineer ends up in hell.

Dissatisfied with the level of comfort there, the engineer starts making improvements.

One day, God phones Satan to ask how things are going.

‘Great,’ he answers.  ‘We’ve got central air and escalators now.  There’s no telling what that engineer will come up with next.’

‘You’ve got an engineer?’ God says.  ‘There’s been a mistake.  Send him back up here or I’ll sue.’

‘Yeah, right,’ Satan chuckles.  ‘Where are you going to find a lawyer?’

source:  Reader’s Digest Jan2009 issue, pg57

There was this Filipino kindergarten teacher and she was teaching her class how to do the hokey-pokey. She started off by saying, ‘You put your right feet in, you put your right feet out, you put your right feet in . . . . .’ Suddenly, one of the children said, ‘Teacher, you have to say ‘foot.’ So the teacher said, ‘You ‘foot’ your right feet in, you ‘foot’ your right feet out . . . . .’

Yes, just like that one, many Filipinos are being joked around because of mispronouncing the letter F to a P and vice versa, as well as the letters V and B – foot or feet to poot or peet, put to fut, victory to bictory, possible to fossible, half to halp, beautiful to veautipul, company to comfany, and worse, part to fart and many others. Same problem goes to words with ‘th’ like three and thought, which sadly, we still hear many say tree and tot. We call it ‘the F froblem’ or ‘the V provlem’. Luckily, I am not one of them.

There was this one time in Octover, err, October, a week before the UN Day celebration at Jeff’s school where he represented Greece, I went out to look for a Greece flag. Since schools here in Quezon City are celebrating the same special event, I went from store to store disappointed. They were out of flags! Even a National Bookstore branch near our place ran out of stock. Since I was in a mall that particular day, I made one desperate move in hopes of finding a flag. I went inside Home Works, a store where you buy stuff for your house – furniture, appliances, lighting fixtures, bathtubs, tools and other supplies. They are also selling notebooks, calculators, pens and stuffs like that so I tried. As I entered, I immediately looked for a sales staff to ask if they sell flags. I saw this lady and asked, ‘Miss, meron ba kayong tindang flags?’ (Miss, do you sell flags?)

She politely replied, ‘Meron po. Dito po tayo, ma’am’ (Yes, we do. It’s over here, ma’am).

Full of hope, I followed her as she happily led me to a glass display cabinet and pointed to the things inside it. ‘Ito po.’ (Here they are).

My smile of hope turned to surprise as my jaw dropped 6 feet below sea level. She had just led me to a cabinet full of PLUGS – electrical plugs! All the while, she thought I was looking for plugs when I clearly said flags.

I left the store disappointed for not being able to buy what Jeff needed for the competition, but at the same time trying not to laugh at what just happened. Oh, some feofle! Why are they like that?  Well, at least, I found a ‘real’ flag days before the program itself.

Btw, it’s oppicial.  JC won the title of the Pirst Finoy Sole Surbibor

image from: Real Skeptic for the plug, Angel Tintin for the Survivor Philippines logo and previous post for the Greece flag

Oldies but goodies.  Enjoy!

A Pinoy is having his snack (bread and ube jam), when a Caucasian American man, chuckling chewing gum, sits down next to him.

The Pinoy ignores the Caucasian American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Caucasian American: ‘You Filipino folks eat the whole bread?’

Pinoy (in a bad mood): ‘Of course.’

Caucasian American: (after blowing a huge bubble) ‘We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into pandesal and export them to the Philippines.’

The Caucasian American has a smirk on his face. The Pinoy listens in silence.

The Caucasian American persists: ‘D’ya eat jelly with the bread?’

Pinoy: ‘Of course’.

Caucasian American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). ‘We don’t. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left-over in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and export them to the Philippines.’

The Pinoy (kind of pissed na!) then asks: ‘Do you have sex in America?’

Caucasian American: ‘Why? Of course we do’, with a big smirk.

Pinoy: ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’

Caucasian American: ‘We throw them away, of course.’

Pinoy: ‘In the Philippines, we don’t throw them. We put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and export them to the States.’

image from: BBC Sport

A little boy wrote to Santa Claus.

‘Dear Santa, please send me a baby brother.’

Santa wrote back, ‘Send me your mother.’

Lately, I get tons of spam emails about improving the size of my penis, how I can make it bigger and last longer, how to satisfy a girl in bed, etc.  They are being sent many times in a day as if it’s an urgent thing and I really need to know.  First, I want to make it clear that I don’t have a penis.  I am a woman, for crying out loud!  And as the old people say, ‘It’s not the size of the bone that matters, it’s how well you bury it’ .  Anyway, this reminded me of the letter below that has been in my files more than a year ago.

Dear Management,

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1- I do physical labor
2- I work at great depths
3- I plunge head first into everything I do
4- I do not get weekends or public holidays off
5- I work in a damp environment
6- I don’t get paid overtime
7- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
8- I work in high temperatures
9- My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

1- You can not work 8 hours straight
2- You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
3- You do not always follow the orders of the management team
4- You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations
5- You do not take initiative — you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
6- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
7- You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective gear
8- You will retire well before you are 65
9- You are unable to work double shifts
10- You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task
11- And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags

Sincerely,
The Management

Harry can’t figure out what to get his girlfriend for her birthday.

‘Oh,’ she says, ‘just take me someplace expensive.’  So he drops her off at the petrol station.

Just one of the oldies but goodies . . . . .

Three men, German, Japanese and Mexican, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. ‘That was my pager’, he said, “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.’

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, ‘That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.’

The Mexican felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Mexican finally said . . . . . ‘Ay Dios Mio!!!!! Will you look at that? I’m getting a fax . . . . .’

image from: Who’s got the best taco?

A man was carrying 3 babies in a train. The lady sitting next to him asked, ‘Are these your babies?’

‘No. I am a condom salesman and these are customer complaints . . . . .’

image from fotosearch.com

An old man was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair with colors green, red, orange and blue. The old man kept staring at him that irritated the boy.

Teenager: Never done anything wild in your life?

Old Man: Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I’m wondering if you’re my son.