A woman is always right.

Sometimes she may be confused, misinformed, rude, stubborn, unclear, changeable, even downright stupid.

But never, never wrong

Introducing . . . . .

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 32,” is the reply.

“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, “I guess about 29.”

The woman replies, “Nope I’m 50.” Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”

Again she proudly responds, “I am 50, but thank you.”

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast. He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay…How old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says. “Madam, you are 50.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible! How could you tell?’

The old man replies, “promise you won’t get mad?” “I promise I won’t.” she says.

He replies, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man - unless he’s in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man’s mind wander - it’s too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don’t make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.”

Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?”
Woman: “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Man: “Is this seat empty?”
Woman: “Yes, and mine will be too if you sit down.”

Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Man: “Your place or mine?”
Woman: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”
Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”

Man: “What sign were you born under?”
Woman: “No Parking.”

Man: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman: “Do not enter.”

Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized!”

Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason.”
Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

Man: “I know how to please a woman.”
Woman: “Then please leave me alone.”

Man: “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Man: “I can tell that you want me.”
Woman: “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you to leave.”

Man: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.”
Woman: “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”

Man: “Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”

Man: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you.”
Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?

Have a happy Thursday, people! I’m going out today, not to be picked up, but to run errands.

Before we turn the lights off tonight for the Earth Hour, let me leave you with this.