Lately, I get tons of spam emails about improving the size of my penis, how I can make it bigger and last longer, how to satisfy a girl in bed, etc.  They are being sent many times in a day as if it’s an urgent thing and I really need to know.  First, I want to make it clear that I don’t have a penis.  I am a woman, for crying out loud!  And as the old people say, ‘It’s not the size of the bone that matters, it’s how well you bury it’ .  Anyway, this reminded me of the letter below that has been in my files more than a year ago.

Dear Management,

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1- I do physical labor
2- I work at great depths
3- I plunge head first into everything I do
4- I do not get weekends or public holidays off
5- I work in a damp environment
6- I don’t get paid overtime
7- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
8- I work in high temperatures
9- My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

1- You can not work 8 hours straight
2- You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
3- You do not always follow the orders of the management team
4- You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations
5- You do not take initiative — you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
6- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
7- You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective gear
8- You will retire well before you are 65
9- You are unable to work double shifts
10- You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task
11- And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags

Sincerely,
The Management

This?

Or this?