On the first day, God created the dog and said:

” Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you…

A woman is always right.

Sometimes she may be confused, misinformed, rude, stubborn, unclear, changeable, even downright stupid.

But never, never wrong

Happy Father’s Day!!!!!

wait for 3 seconds . . . . .

Introducing . . . . .

A Pinoy went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he sat next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol. After a couple of beers, the Pinoy sensed that Spielberg was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash, the Pinoy crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the director.

Picking himself up, he yelled, “Wat da hell is dat por?”

Spielberg ranted: “That’s for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #@@!!##! My dad perished in that bombing!”

“#@@!!##! I am not Jafanese, you stufid Nincomfoof! I am Pilifino!” exclaimed the Pinoy.

The inebriated director replied, “Yeah yeah yeah…Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Filipino …you’re all the same!”

Regaining his composure, the Pinoy dusted off his white pants, straightened the collar of his loud bird-of-paradise printed shirt, took his seat and ordered a double R&B from the bartender. After a few sips, the Pinoy stood up and delivered his best Jackie Chan karate kick, sending the director flying halfway across the room. “What was that for?!!” shouted the surprised Spielberg from about fifteen feet away.

“Dat’s por da sinking of da TITANIC! I had my grandpader on dat shif!” the Pinoy answered back.

“You ignorant Chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg!” exclaimed the director.

“Yah yah yah…Iceberg, Sfielberg, Carlsberg… you are all the same . . …. also!”

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 32,” is the reply.

“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, “I guess about 29.”

The woman replies, “Nope I’m 50.” Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”

Again she proudly responds, “I am 50, but thank you.”

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast. He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay…How old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says. “Madam, you are 50.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible! How could you tell?’

The old man replies, “promise you won’t get mad?” “I promise I won’t.” she says.

He replies, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”

can you?