wait for 3 seconds . . . . .

Introducing . . . . .

A Pinoy went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he sat next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol. After a couple of beers, the Pinoy sensed that Spielberg was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash, the Pinoy crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the director.

Picking himself up, he yelled, “Wat da hell is dat por?”

Spielberg ranted: “That’s for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #@@!!##! My dad perished in that bombing!”

“#@@!!##! I am not Jafanese, you stufid Nincomfoof! I am Pilifino!” exclaimed the Pinoy.

The inebriated director replied, “Yeah yeah yeah…Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Filipino …you’re all the same!”

Regaining his composure, the Pinoy dusted off his white pants, straightened the collar of his loud bird-of-paradise printed shirt, took his seat and ordered a double R&B from the bartender. After a few sips, the Pinoy stood up and delivered his best Jackie Chan karate kick, sending the director flying halfway across the room. “What was that for?!!” shouted the surprised Spielberg from about fifteen feet away.

“Dat’s por da sinking of da TITANIC! I had my grandpader on dat shif!” the Pinoy answered back.

“You ignorant Chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg!” exclaimed the director.

“Yah yah yah…Iceberg, Sfielberg, Carlsberg… you are all the same . . …. also!”

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 32,” is the reply.

“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, “I guess about 29.”

The woman replies, “Nope I’m 50.” Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”

Again she proudly responds, “I am 50, but thank you.”

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast. He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay…How old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says. “Madam, you are 50.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible! How could you tell?’

The old man replies, “promise you won’t get mad?” “I promise I won’t.” she says.

He replies, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”

can you?

A funny but touching cartoon for this week . . . . .

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it…don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut low on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables into your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have a body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good.

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO…Cocobeans…another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Well, I hope this cleared up any misconceptions you may have. Enjoy food, enjoy life and say “WHAT A RIDE!’

This would give you guides on how to control your emotions towards your better-half, friends, officemates and all the people around you, especially your ‘boss’. The rules of practicing “ugaling langit, ugaling kaaya-aya” :

#1 Ang naunang magalit ang may karapatang magalit. Pag naunahan ka na ng galit niya, tumahimik ka na lang muna.

#2 Walang taong nag-aaway mag-isa. Pag hindi kayo sumagot o pumatol, titigil din daw ang taong nakikipag-away sa inyo.

#3 Ang taong galit, ‘bingi.’ If someone is angry, wala raw pinakikinggan, so, don’t try to explain and fight back. Hindi ka niya iintindihin dahil wala siyang naririnig kundi ang sarili nya.

#4 Ang taong galit, ‘abnoy.’ Ayon sa pastor, Biblical daw ito? Because the Lord said when He was crucified, ‘Father, patawarin mo sila dahil hindi nila alam ang kanilang ginagawa.’ Modern term for these kinds of people are abnoys, so you better not get angry para huwag kang matawag na abnoy.

You should also know and realize that the persons who make your day bad are jewel, because you need them for you to mature. Hangga’t andyan daw sila at kinaiinisan mo, ibig sabihin, immature ka pa. God will not take away those people; it’s for you to take away your bad feelings towards them. You’ll know na mature ka na pag dumating ‘yung time na hindi ka na naiinis sa mga taong ito because you have learned to accept them and to have patience with them.

#5 Finally, the best part of this is to tell yourself na, because of this person, ‘I will grow mature,’ and that DAHIL SA CONTRIBUTION NIYA SA MATURITY MO, KUKUNIN DIN SYA NI LORD.